Author Speaks, Rants

13 Things That Happen When You Date an English Major, and Why They’re Wrong

Sometimes, usually when you’re on the phone with a fellow English major, you stumble across some articles that leave you both cackling in your seats while making hilarious comebacks to the author’s claims. This was one such article. Erin Cossetta (who shares a first name with my friend in question), either has never even met an English major, or has only encountered the snooty manic pixie versions of us that sell well to television shows. In short, their assumptions of what happens when you date us is completely unfounded and ridiculous in mine and my other English compatriot’s experiences. Suddenly the world view of us makes sense, if this is really what people expect. So here is my response to the 13 things that happen when you date English majors, and why they are wrong.


  1. Your grammar in text messages WILL be correct

I don’t give a rat’s ass what you text me. Life is honestly too short and English majors are too tired to extend most of the effort. It’s texting, not our final paper.

  1. You’ll discover their “celebrity crush” is Mr. Darcy or Anne Elliot.

One, who is Anne Elliot? Two, most English majors I know hate Jane Austen’s work and think Darcy is either annoying and ugly, or both. There are far more interesting people and characters than your crusty old white men.

  1. If you ever move in together, forget about having a place for YOUR books. Their bookshelf is already overflowing with rows of books and the more books jammed horizontally above them.

While it is true I and most English majors have a lot of books, my partner only owns one book that I gave him. Most of us don’t date people who read as much as us.

  1. You don’t need to ask them what their favorite smell is. It’s “book”.

My favorite smell is men’s cologne and loaded baked potato.

  1. When you go see a movie you should at least wiki it so you can be prepared to discuss how the film adaptation compares to the book version

Honestly, I haven’t read it either or I don’t care about it man.

  1. Your conversations will flow seamlessly from Kim Kardashian to Alice Munro.

I have never met an English major with much to say about any of the Kardashians, and who the hell is Alice Munro?

  1. You’ve got a built-in editor whenever you have an important paper or work project you need help with.

No, you don’t. I got my own papers and problems. The only way I’ll edit your paper is if you come visit me during my hours at the Harbert Writing Center so I can get paid 7.25 to read your shitty paper.

  1. If you’re still in college, you heavily sigh for them when someone asks, “what they’re going to do with that major.”

You don’t have time to sigh because I’ve already shut them down.

  1. If you’re out of college, you’ve read their college papers. Because they are proud of them!

None of my partners have had any idea what I was talking about let alone writing about.\

  1. When you see this gif, you know exactly who to send it to:

Judging how the gif won’t load I couldn’t tell you weather it applies to me or not. It’s sourced to the tv show Friends, so I’d probably agree with it.

  1. You’ve had an argument about the Oxford comma.

I have no strong feelings about the Oxford comma. I still don’t really know what it is.

  1. You thought you knew people who loved coffee, but you had no idea until this relationship.

I. Hate. Coffee.

  1. You will go on a romantic date to a bookstore, and they will love it

You won’t actually, one because new books are expensive, two because food is a thing and so is eating out, three because new books are expensive.


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